a flat world

First off, I'd like to say how much I appreciated that my friends cared about me when I went missing, and how they expressed their worries to me. Thank you for caring about me. I guess that answers my question from my previous blog.

Yes, I failed my maths exam, and yes I was utterly crushed. Yes, I went to the school councilor for the rest of the day and yes, I was afraid of going to school today. I did not tell my mum this because I didn't want to upset her, but I guess I already did when I didn't go to school today. I was afraid of having another break down when I get my results back from Chemistry. I was afraid I would start thinking about negative things again. It's a crazy thing and I know that I shouldn't think about it. But my once round world, became flat. Yes, I admit that I wasn't serious with my study before. I guess I was way too focus to stop myself getting more depressed by doing things that I like that I didn't realise how close the future was getting. And when I finally realise it, and is willing to put more effort, and my absolute best, things began crashing down again. For example, my tutor. When I finally found peace while doing maths at tutor, after issues have revealed itself, he decided that it just wasn't worth it for both of us that I continue going to tutor. Hence, I got expelled. I talked to Kelly about it and she told me how he thought of expelling me earlier. Now, I don't know if he wanted to expel me after the talk we had, or before it. I knew he wanted to expel me before our little talk, but afterwards I don't know. First, I understood him to let me go, because I wasn't the best of students. Then, I got angry for letting me go at the time I needed him the most, then I slowly forgave him again because there's no use of being angry at him. It doesn't rewind back time, nor does it do any good to me. I don't know what exactly should I do anymore. Every time I think about doing my best, I think how I did my best before but failed. It's like I fear of school now. I feel like I'm a failure, a disappointment to my mother, after all she done for me. No, she isn't my hero. No, she isn't someone I respect. But yes, she is someone I really care and love. I feel like I'm just another somebody on this planet.

I remember, I asked a friend what kind of person they want to me. One said a successful person, one said an inspiration and another said an unforgettable person. My answer to that question is a reliable person who people can confide in, or seek help from. My question to myself, will I ever become that type of person? The journey of life - I would define it as the adventure of seeking who you are, or aiming to be who you want to be. This song I'm listening to right now, Because You Love Me, it really touches me. LOL. I laugh dryly. No, I'm not going to suicide, even though thoughts are gradually filling my head with notions. To aim for my goal in life, I won't do that. Life is too short already, is it worth it to die when there' so much things to do. Besides, my mum needs me. She has only me left in her family. Only me. Though... Toby is still there. I don't know. I don't know. I wonder if you'll ever understand a person who feels like they want to suicide, or hurt themselves. I wonder, would you see them as abnormal people, or would you pity them, or would you sympathize with them. For me? No, I wouldn't see them as abnormal people, no I wouldn't pity them. Yes, I would sympathize with them. They aren't abnormal, they are people too, they just seem to think suicide or hurting themselves is the only solution to properly express themselves, or they are trying to erase the pain in their hearts by hurting themselves physically. I wouldn't pity them. Yes, they are damaged people, but they are just people too. They might see it as an insult if you pity them. So hence, I would sympathize with them, for I am suffering from similar feelings.

You know, I hate it how people dress up as Emos just because they think its cool. And yes, I've been there and done that, but now I've learnt my lesson. Gothic and Emo are different. Although, they can be classified in the same category, they aren't the same thing. Gothic are more... darkly artistic in their perspectives, while Emo people are more... negative about their thoughts. It's two different issues we're talking about it. Don't they understand that Emo people dress like that to express themselves physically of how they are feeling inside. They aren't doing it as a fashion. Please, stop insulting the Emos if you're just doing things for fun, or that you think it looks cool. Thank You.

PS. I apologise for the misunderstandings, or the sorrow I've caused for many. I'm sincerely sorry.